It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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