Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
