this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
