Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
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but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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