I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
