shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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