your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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