sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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