I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
