i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He shit in the fireplace
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