Even water is tasting like jack daniels
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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