Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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