if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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