You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
