She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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