i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
