I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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