i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
FUCK WHALES
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
