i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
