You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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