haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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