The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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