I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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