He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
