ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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