I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
