i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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