I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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