My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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