he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
