My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
