Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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