Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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