If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
