nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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