Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
