my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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