My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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