smell my finger.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
