I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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