I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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