if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
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