Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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