I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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