I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
