my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
