Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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