my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
