my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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