Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
kristin has been a bad kristin
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
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We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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