Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize