i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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