It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
this is an emotional support booty call
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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