I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
