I wish I could teleport
well you can't waste a boner
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
