I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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